Tip of My Iceberg

I’m a closet passive/aggressive control freak.

That was so much harder to admit than I thought. I’m the adaptable one. The easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of a gal who doesn’t stress over curve balls or wrenches thrown into the works. The one others rely on to be steady when the brown stuff hits the fan.

As long as I’ve got a grip on things.

John’s recovery from surgery has gone slower than I thought it would. Not that I expected him to be running around the block now, but the pain is at a level where he’s hardly moving.

He went off his pain meds after two days. Made him sick to his stomach. Couldn’t bend over to throw up in the bathroom, so he puked in the kitchen sink.

My kitchen isn’t the haven it once was.

I feel so bad for him, but there’s nothing I can do to make it better. Which is frustrating. I want to help him. But I typically end up being annoying as I pester him about his needs.

No control.

Found out a few days ago that my Mom had a stroke. For awhile she lost the use of her arms and legs and couldn’t speak clearly. That’s a little scary, being almost 2,000 miles from her. My sisters are up there and have been wonderful about being with her and helping her through this. I’ll go up Friday, but that doesn’t feel like enough. I want to help my sisters out, take some of the load off their shoulders, but John still has needs here.

No control.

It would have been nice if there could have been a schedule set up ahead of time. If someone had asked me what would work for me.

“Would Friday be a good day for your husband to feel wretched from his pain meds? How about Wednesday? And your Mom, would Tuesday work for you to have her stroke then? Not Tuesday, hmm? What about Thursday? Would that be more convenient?”

Sounds crazy.

Though I see myself as laid back, I’m a shadow controller. Not obvious and obnoxious.  That’s not me.

Until it is.

All of humanity suffers from the syndrome of wanting to control life. Their lives and everyone around them. It makes us think we have the power to masterfully make things work our way. I like to think of it as making others understand how right I am.

I’m not. Not even most of the time.

God, however, has the bigger picture in mind. And because He’s all powerful, all knowing and always present, His way makes the most sense.

“You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”  Proverbs 19:21

Am I saying I’m willing to give up control? Not really. It’s hard to choose not to try to direct where and how everything goes.

I want my life to work. But I can’t see more than what’s right in front of me. What grabs my attention now. And how it affects me today. God’s perspective is eternal, seeing beyond space and time to how all this will eventually work out. His way.

Can I trust Him to do what’s best for me? Yes. He’s proven His love and power in my life.

The question is will I let Him?