I’m a closet passive/aggressive control freak.

That was so much harder to admit than I thought. I’m the adaptable one. The easy-going, go-with-the-flow kind of a gal who doesn’t stress over curve balls or wrenches thrown into the works. The one others rely on to be steady when the brown stuff hits the fan.

As long as I’ve got a grip on things.

John’s recovery from surgery has gone slower than I thought it would. Not that I expected him to be running around the block IMG_5846now, but the pain is at a level where he’s hardly moving.

He went off his pain meds after two days. Made him sick to his stomach. Couldn’t bend over to throw up in the bathroom, so he puked in the kitchen sink.

My kitchen isn’t the haven it once was.

I feel so bad for him, but there’s nothing I can do to make it better. Which is frustrating. I want to help him. But I typically end up being annoying as I pester him about his needs.

No control.

Found out a few days ago that my Mom had a stroke. For awhile she lost the use of her arms and legs and couldn’t speak clearly. That’s a little scary, being almost 2,000 miles from her. My sisters are up there and have been wonderful about being with her and helping her through this. I’ll go up Friday, IMG_2860but that doesn’t feel like enough. I want to help my sisters out, take some of the load off their shoulders, but John still has needs here.

No control.

It would have been nice if there could have been a schedule set up ahead of time. If someone had asked me what would work for me.

“Would Friday be a good day for your husband to feel wretched from his pain meds? How about Wednesday? And your Mom, would Tuesday work for you to have her stroke then? Not Tuesday, hmm? What about Thursday? Would that be more convenient?”

Sounds crazy.

Though I see myself as laid back, I’m a shadow controller. Not obvious and obnoxious.  That’s not me.

Until it is.

All of humanity suffers from the syndrome of wanting to control life. Their lives and everyone around them. It makes us think we have the power to masterfully make things work our way. I like to think of it as making others understand how right I am.

I’m not. Not even most of the time.

God, however, has the bigger picture in mind. And because He’s all powerful, all knowing and always present, His way makes the most sense.

“You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”  Proverbs 19:21

Am I saying I’m willing to give up control? Not really. It’s hard to choose not to try to direct where and how everything goes.

I want my life to work. But I can’t see more than what’s right in front of me. What grabs my attention now. And how it affects me today. God’s perspective is eternal, seeing beyond space and time to how all this will eventually work out. His way.

Can I trust Him to do what’s best for me? Yes. He’s proven His love and power in my life.

The question is will I let Him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 responses »

  1. debbyshehane says:

    There’s no doubt about it- the Golden gals have great cheekbones! But, I digress. Wanting one thing and getting another is hard- even in little things-and your current stuff is anything but little! Thank you for the reminder that God is our strength in all things!

  2. I think we’re all “shadow controllers” to some degree. I know I am. My laid back posture works pretty well when I can manage what is on my plate. But, tip it just a little beyond and my controlling nature bares its fangs.
    I always appreciate your in-the-moment insights into your life. Thank you for baring your soul.

    • daylerogers says:

      Aw, Ali Baba, I love the picture of my controlling nature baring its fangs. So true–and so picturesque. Thanks for the continued encouragement, my friend. We’re walking this path a lot alike.

  3. terry morgan says:

    Oh, how I can relate! I made an emergency return to be with my mom as she is dying. Wanted to stay. Wanted to be with her. Not my timeline. No control. I could have planned that better if someone asked me. She wants to die, but her body hangs on. Not my timeline. No control. I have a different idea but no one is asking me. And so I struggle to find peace in His perfect choices. He does know best. Control isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Praying for your mom and your peace, friend, as we walk these similar paths. Love and hugs to you.

    • daylerogers says:

      I knew you of all people would get this. Not a fun place to be–but a divine one. And I’m getting to the point where I’m learning to accept it. Thanks for the kind words, friend. Knowing there’s someone who knows precisely what I’m experiencing makes it less frightening.

  4. Ann Buckley says:

    Well Miss Dayle you are definitely a closet controller because I never knew 🙂 Not like mine, in your face and obsessive! Of course all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Was in the same place last month needing to be in FL, VA and MD all at once and this month the same. It is a comfort that our Father knows what lies ahead and what is best. Your earthly sisters are hear to listen and lend a hand. Please let me know what can be done to help John out while you travel. Hugs!!

    • daylerogers says:

      You know it, Annie! Experience brings understanding–and I’m grateful you get it. Thanks for the encouragement. God is definitely in this–for the best of all of us.

  5. intheharvest says:

    Reblogged this on For the Harvest and commented:
    Wise, insightful words from a dear friend and precious sister in the Lord. Thank you, Dayle, for sharing this piece of your iceberg, and for letting God encourage others through you.

  6. intheharvest says:

    Wow. Your words spoke right to my heart. Thank you. God has blessed and encouraged me through what you shared…through your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you so much.

  7. mackeylois says:

    Thank You, Dayle, for the Reminder of Proverbs 19, because I’m a shadow controller, as well [As long as I have a grip on things – I’m not right most of the time, either!] I better look to the ONE WHOSE WAY MAKES REAL SENSE ALL THE TIME!!! Praying for Mom’s and John’s recoveries, as soon as HE MAKES THEM POSSIBLE!

  8. shawnasharpe says:

    Just read this! It’s funny I almost texted you a couple of times the last few days to find out ‘when’ you were going up to see your Mom. I have been praying for your time with her…just read about her stroke tho and John’s ‘recovery’ (or not). Praying for Miss Adelaide (I know that’s not what she goes by but I can’t remember what that is) =); John’s healing and your heart. Just keep letting Him use you exactly how He wants to use you moment by moment! Love you!

  9. woodzey says:

    This is a life-long battle for me too! I like it that you say you are a shadow controller. We are laid back until we don’t have a grip on things. Hearing about your struggles helps me see the internal nature of this. We are not alone!

    • daylerogers says:

      Thanks for the encouragement, Linda! It’s always such a bizarre feeling to know you don’t want to micromanage life but all of a sudden wake up and find you’re doing it! No, we’re not alone!

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