Tip of My Iceberg

I was on soccer-run duty. The goal–get two of the grands to their respective fields on time.

The real estate adage about location, location, location being of foremost importance is followed closely by traffic, traffic, traffic in the time it takes to get anywhere in Orlando.

I made sure we left the house in plenty of time. Water bottles–check. Soccer gear–check. Cell phone with highly valued GPS–check.

Until we got on the road. Leaving our small community was a stretch because of traffic. I happened to get behind a vehicle who, when the light turned green, determined not to go. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and about three seconds to move before I honked my horn. I could see a head pop upright and figured he’d been texting.

I was determined to make this light. I stepped on the gas, as Mr. Pokey Puppy slowly accelerated. He made it.

I ran a red light.

I didn’t see a police car. I’m not totally sure there aren’t cameras at that corner. If there are, I’ll be receiving a kind notice from my local authorities in the mail.

What bothered me more was having two kids in the car, one who will be getting her permit soon. My response wasn’t stellar. I blame-shifted, became angry–and stopped as Teagan glanced at me.

“You’re making a lot of noise.”

I’m not fond of driving, but I’m even less fond of my temper and the tendency to blame others and be critical. It’s something I’ve tried to focus on, and the harder I try, the more I disappoint myself. When I start down that road, disappointment comes quicker, like a downward spiral.

If it’s been one of those days, I blame others for my issues like it’s my job.

I often blame God as well. He disappoints me in not doing what I need Him to do. Immediately. Not answering prayers as I’d hoped and expected He would.

Letting me down.

We’ve had some horrific things happen in our family where I felt God dropped the ball. Times that felt like He turned His back on me. Or that I wasn’t important enough for Him to care about my problem.

All of those are lies.

During one especially difficult time, a dear friend, who’d gone through her own personal crucible, reminded me of the depth of God’s love and my inability to earn it or deserve it. His love for me is so deep and thorough He weeps with me and collects my tears; they are precious to Him.

I know that.

In the middle of a crisis or disappointment, it’s easy to forget the truth. It’s simple to move from remembering how much God has done for me and transition to “Woe is me!” To focus so much on circumstances that I lose sight of what’s real.

His love for me.

I will continue to disappoint myself because I’m messy and imperfect. God is everything good I’m not. He’s never bothered by my brokenness.

You won’t ever find Him running a red light.