Tip of My Iceberg

“If you really loved me, you’d…”

Stop. Anytime I hear sincere affection and commitment tied to a condition, my blood runs cold. It’s a setup for failure and disappointment.

“If I really loved you, I’d do what?” I stared at my daughter, daring her to make me flinch with her demands.

“If you loved me and your grands and your kids, you’d go to the doctor and stop coming up with excuses. You’re sick. You need help.”

Low blow. I’d been feeling pretty punk for six days. The fever came and went. As long as I kept going, I could maintain steam. But stopping? There wasn’t a battery pack big enough to get me going again.

Ugh. It was a waste of time and money to go to a doctor.

“Don’t wanna go.” The conversation had been going on for over half an hour. “I’m tired. Just let me rest.”

Holding her daughter close, she got in my face. “If Sloane gets the flu, it could kill her.”

We never lack drama in this home.

I was running out of energy to fight. It was easier to acquiesce.

I drove to our miniER and signed in. Sat down to wait. Figuring it would take an hour.

Five minutes later, I was called back. (That shot one of my excuses.)

The doctor asked me what my symptoms were. As I ticked them off, she nodded “Sounds like the flu. When did these symptoms first show up.”

“Six days ago.”

She grinned. Shook her head. “Well, if you’d come in during the first 72 hours, we could have given you Tamiflu. Which would have shortened its duration. Now all you can really do is ride it out. It’s a virus.”

Ha. Nothing could be done for me. I spent $35 to have a doctor tell me what I already knew.

Arriving home, I felt somewhat victorious–but not feeling any better. I wondered what it would have been like to have gone in when this started instead of stubbornly refusing help.

I’d be done with this.

Too many times I barrel through situations, not admitting need, not wanting anyone to help me. Convinced I can accomplish what my mind clearly sees.

How many of us do that with God? Not wanting to admit we need Him because we can do life just fine on our own.

It’s not till the pain is intense or life is in a turmoil that we realize we need Him. When everything we have is used up and there’s no hope, no other recourse.

Many turn to God in the eleventh hour. Confident they can live life on their terms and apply for fire insurance at the end.

We don’t know when our end is. When there’s no more time to make decisions to accept His help, His grace. Time will one day run out for all of us.

These last days have been miserable. Could I have gone to the doctor earlier? Yup. Knew it would be helpful. Didn’t want to.

When will I learn?

The reality of pain makes pride look pretty paltry.

Why’d I wait?