photo by Layton Diament

photo by Layton Diament

No one likes to think of themselves as a phony.

I’ve always considered myself as pretty straight forward and genuine.

That all unraveled on Saturday when we heard that our newest grandson, Landry, less than a week old, was back in the hospital.

He’d begun to run a fever at home, and it got high enough that Mark and Jillian took him in. He wasn’t quite four days old then, and their concern was justified.

He stopped breathing four times. His fever couldn’t be brought down. They had to insert a feeding tube into his tiny body.

Something in me went blank. Whatever the reasons, I couldn’t get past my fears for my grandson. Praying felt futile.

And I thought, “Dayle, you’ve got to be the greatest fake in the world.”

I’m one that encourages others when they’re disappointed or afraid. When life feels dark, without hope. I’m one that reminds others of the power of the God who loves us and never leaves us. Who sovereignly walks us through all the peaks and valleys of our stories. I’ve prayed for others when they’re feeling despair and fear.

I couldn’t do it for myself. The fear felt all encompassing.

I felt embarrassed by my faithlessness. By my inability to give all this over to God. To trust Him with this, like I’ve been able to do in the past.

These fears felt like they were stuck on me with super glue. No matter how I tried to pray and give the burden of my fears to God, they were right there with me.

I went from feeling like a fake to a failure. All the things I’ve told people over the years, I couldn’t seem to believe for myself. For my grandson. For his parents.

I talked to God about all of this. Cried a lot. Felt little relief.

I whined to a dear friend about my lack of faith. That I knew the words to say but it didn’t seem to matter.

She reminded me that faith isn’t a feeling. That I was hurting a great deal for my kids and grandson. That my faith in Jesus was really there. It was blanketed by worry.

She gave me permission to hurt. When I felt responsible to be strong.

I’ve had a little time to think on what she’s said. And what God has said. About who He is and how He has been faithful, time and again. How He’s never abandoned me. Never abandoned anyone who is His.

I was in the middle of hurt and couldn’t step back enough to be objective. To remember how I’ve seen Jesus show up in my life. To hear His words of comfort: “I will be with you to the end of the age.”

It’s a hard thing to have my faith hit a brick wall.

It’s amazing to have God lead me to the place where He’s removed the bricks. To walk with those who walk with me when all I see is dark.

And Landry?

The faith of many has held him before Jesus.

He’s getting better.

 

 

19 responses »

  1. debbyshehane says:

    So glad little Landry is improving.

  2. terry morgan says:

    You are one of the most authentic people I know, Dayle. Thanks for sharing a bit of your grace received with all of us.

  3. Jonathan says:

    There is so much I could write about this, but I’ll pick a better moment. Glad the little one is getting better.

    • daylerogers says:

      Thought that might be true. I welcome your thoughts. Your a man of deep thoughts and genuineness. Look forward to hearing those ideas.

      • Jonathan says:

        I guess a lot of my thoughts are centered around the feeling that people of faith want to have their cake and eat it in terms of using science when it suits them (e.g. medicine), and then construct abstract arguments to praise whichever icon they have invested in. It reminds me of the “defence of self” trait so common with “fanboyism”. Like I said – this isn’t the time or place to elaborate.

      • daylerogers says:

        Science is real. You’ll see no argument from me there. Medicine is great because it really helps. I’d appreciate clarity on what you mean with the “defense of self” tait so common with “fanboyism”. And I’ve a question for you. What has been your engagement–if any–with faith of any kind? You sound like a man who’s been hurt by people of faith–not necessarily Biblical faith. Thoughts?

  4. Brad Dukes says:

    love your writing always. we LOVE DAYLE & JOHN ROGERS!!! you guys. the best. thanks for your continued authenticity. i clearly don’t have grandkids. . and haven’t had any big time scares like Landry’s with our girls. . . .but in ways i can (of course) identify with the things you’re saying about feeling fake/failing/phony. . .in the moments when i am internally freaking out or stressing or upset about the DUMBEST THINGS that have NOTHING to do with eternity or the well-being of someone’s soul. good grief charlie brown. 😉 in other news. . .SO thankful Landry is getting better. will continue to pray for that young Rogers stud. 🙂

    • daylerogers says:

      Thanks BD. So grateful for your encouragement–and even more your prayers. And yes, getting wonked out by really dumb things seems to be our stock in trade as people. It’s great living in community, though, with folks like you and Deb. Miss you guys a ton–love you, too.

  5. mackeylois says:

    Dayle, I know what it is, also, to feel that fear is all encompassing and my faithlessness in giving it to GOD! So glad that Landry is getting better! We will continue Praying for Landry, Parents, You and John!

  6. Heidi Westmore says:

    Love you Dayle and John. So glad to hear Landry is getting better! God’s not done perfecting your faith. 😉

  7. Mary Graham says:

    Thank you for your transparancy. Prraying now for all of you. He’s ‘got this!’ Much love to you, John and all.

    • daylerogers says:

      This was really great. Thanks for the link–I really enjoyed it.

      • Sus Schmitt says:

        Loved it, too: “God’s grace is a wonderful thing, but it is at it’s most wondrous when we let it do what it is meant to do—change us… I’m thankful for His forgiveness, and can stand in awe of His grace toward me. But then I can be hyper-critical of myself and not allow His grace to sink to a deeper level in my heart. He is kinder to me than I am toward myself.”

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