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My brain is bothered.

Maybe it’s my heart. Possibly not bothered.

Weary.

Not that this is unusual. Much of that bothersome weariness comes from unimportant things.

I don’t usually choose to focus on the non-essentials. Quite the contrary. There are many serious things in my life that need my attention.

Those are the things that push me to bothersome weariness. And I begin to wander in the recesses of my mind.

My mind rabbit-trails along fanciful paths. Daydreaming.

Avoiding the need to deal with the issues at hand. Decisions that need to be made.

Recess is a good word. The inner me wants recess. To play without responsibility.

images-3Not very adult of me.

Not really sure I want to be one now.

My responsibilities are starting up again back here in O-Town. I’m truly looking forward to the folks I’ll meet and get to know. The women I’ll have the privilege of coaching. Relationships that develop quickly, bypassing shallow and heading to the deep waters of conversational reveal.

Truth moment: I’m nervous that I’m not my best me right now. That I’ll show up a few fries shy of a happy meal. That my capacity for compassion didn’t leave the mountains when I did.

Hence the daydreaming. My mind is in the books I’m reading. (I’m in the middle of three right now. Clearly focus is an issue.) The movies I’ve watched. (Mostly chick flicks with my sisters. Deep, pithy conversations there.) The mountains from which we’ve just returned. (I walk into the  humid air of Orlando and all I can think of are craggy peaks and cooler, drier weather.)

This is avoidance at its finest.

I know what it is. I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint people who don’t know me yet. Who come into this year with an expectation imgres-2of qualified coaches and wisdom willingly shared.

Who, me?

Part of this is having a very high expectation of myself. With my sisters here this past week, we shared our unrelenting predilection for responsibility. Baby Boomers. Add to that parents whose values centered on responsibility and you end up with people who own responsibility for everything.

I punctuate sentences with “I’m sorry.”

I’m learning. I know that God is fine with me the way I am. I can’t earn His favor–He’s given it to me out of love for me. Knowing fully who I am and what horrific things I’m capable of. It’s the result of Jesus willingly paying the price for my wrongs on the cross. An incredible act of love.

I can’t add to that.

So why am I stressing over what hasn’t happened yet?

Habits are tough little buggers to break.

I’m trying to corral my thoughts and work at telling myself the truth. I’m God’s child. Created purposefully. Chosen intentionally. Cherished eternally. Celebrated with delight by the One who made me.

There’s a focus worth eyeballing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 responses »

  1. Jeannie says:

    You wrote it for me, Dayle. Bless you in all you are doing.

    • daylerogers says:

      We walk similar paths. Life is like that, isn’t it? We get to learn from each other to remind us that we’re never going through stuff and clutter alone. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

  2. sandrauer says:

    I empathize so readily with your post today, Dayle. Take time for you and know you are prepping for the next “with others” assignment. It all counts. It’s all ministry. Even the time when you are caring for your own self. Without this particular “caring” your care for others will come to a halt or be half-hearted. Keep calm and carry on…praying as you go.

    • daylerogers says:

      I really needed to hear this from you. It’s not wrong to care for me–though that’s been a lie wedged in my brain like a festering sore. Thanks, Sandra, for your wisdom and love. I deeply appreciate it.

  3. Thought-provoking post, Dayle. But the last line is the best, that is a good place to start.
    (Those chick flicks will mess you up 🙂 )

    • daylerogers says:

      ‘Tis true, my friend. Chick flicks mess you up every time! But thanks for the encouragement. The deep desire to reveal Jesus, reflect Jesus, engage Jesus never seems to show up as readily as that other me. The life-long journey of sanctification. Your capacity for perseverance and positive hope encourages my heart more than you know. Thanks, Bill.

  4. Penny Wermer says:

    Your “capacity for compassion” is one of the deepest reservoirs I have ever seen! It is there….but, man do I relate to this post. Not only in memory of the STINT days, but today, wanting to show up in the right ways, reveal Jesus instead of self, and fearful that the “real” me is not at all who I hope it would be. And owning responsibility for all that I am in the middle of…(and failing miserably at). Yep, that would be me as well. Praying that we both eyeball the focus of truth today. Love to you! And happy anniversary wishes to you guys as well.

    • daylerogers says:

      Well, Pen, we both know that wanting to be the mirror so others can see Jesus is often more than a little cracked–and usually dirty. We’ve both got high needs to be responsible. But we can’t own what God hasn’t given us to embrace as our responsibility. Sometimes it’s just letting Him love us. Sitting back and receiving the grace He pours down. And when you get that figured out–please let me know! Love you!

  5. mackeylois says:

    Our blessings on Your Anniversary, also, Dayle and John! I own responsibility for everything, as well and yet I know GOD Loves me and Sent JESUS to Pay for THAT incredible ACT OF LOVE for me. I can’t add to THAT either [and better not try]!

  6. alice fredricks says:

    Dayle, I’d want you to be MY coach any day even if you were “half there” as you described! All this is what makes you such a great coach…real, vulnerable, wise and God-focused! Got some extra time for me, too?!! Besides, “as your days, so shall your strength be” says the King James…and so true! God will give you JUST what you need when the time comes! Love you so much!!!

    • daylerogers says:

      Allie, you’re a wonderful heart friend, and I’ll make time for you always! We need to make the most of this year, sweet friend. Thanks for your continued encouragement.

  7. Tiffani says:

    I want to “like” Alice’s comment!
    I think “qualified” is overrated, anyway.
    Hope you have an awesome year! May you be full of Jesus, and that be what spills over onto others.
    Can’t believe it’s been 11 years since we arrived there for the year!

    • daylerogers says:

      I can’t either, Tif. Time has flown–and your kids are growing so fast! Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement. And I’d agree-“qualified” is in the eyes of the beholder–or the heart!

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